Love and Vargtimmen (the hour of the wolf)
4/24/08
Love and hope. We are born alone and naked, and scared. As we get older, we develop connections with people which we value so highly. Then, at the end, we die alone.
When I think about the connections I’ve had with people over the years, I realize that those connections are the meaning of life. It’s incredibly important to have a life of connections, positive connections, with others. In fact, one might define one’s life around how many people have been touched, cared about, or simply positively affected, by your presence.
In a way, I’ve had a blessed life, because even at the ripe age of 38 I’ve finally learned this lesson. For example, the time I spend with my daughter is the closest I’ll ever get to heaven. We have so much fun together. I worry about her constantly, and the thought of her not being in my daily life haunts me more than the thought of my own death. Strangely, I rarely think about my own death in any other context but whether I’ll see her again. It is a wonderful feeling to transcend life. I’m nearly there. In Buddhism, liberation and enlightenment occur when one goes beyond the “real world” and instead sees the true essence of life. I believe that there are many paths to enlightenment, and no religion has a monopoly on it.
At nearly 14, she is growing up so fast, and I often wonder how things will turn out for her. She has had two wonderful and caring parents all her life, and a large extended family, and many friends as well.
I hope I can see her as much as I can in the future.
The well-known Ingmar Bergman movie “Hour of the Wolf” has the tagline “"The Hour of the Wolf" is the hour between night and dawn. It is the hour when most people die. It is the hour when the sleepless are haunted by their deepest fear, when ghosts and demons are most powerful.”
It’s an accurate description.
Most people place the Hour of the Wolf, or Vargtimmen, at around 3am to 5am, depending on one’s schedule. Basically, it is the exact middle of the night, when most people are sleeping. It is no one hour, but the spirit of the definition is that it’s the time when the vast majority of people near you are sleeping.
The problem is, you’re not.
What can make the Hour of the Wolf spectacularly terrifying isn’t just being up at that time. It’s the profound sense of loneliness. It’s the self-doubt or focus on past regrets. Or maybe it’s the fear of the future. The wolf lurks underneath the fears and anxieties you’ve kept hidden from everyone else.
Essentially the Hour of the Wolf is the time, the “when”, that you feel most alone, afraid, and unsure. It’s when your most powerful foes are time and yourself. The stresses of the day, or maybe a day 20 years ago or 20 years from now, come at you teeth bared, and unlike during the daytime, there’s little you can do about it.
I myself confront the Wolf regularly. Not always, but certainly enough that I can predict if I’ll see him the night before. Because I keep such early hours, usually getting up between 4am and 5am, my Hour of the Wolf often starts around 2am. Looking out the window for signs of life is pathetic, and futile.
There is no true solution for fleeing from the Wolf. You cannot kill the Wolf, especially at the Hour. This is because the Wolf you see is, actually, your true self.
You are the Wolf.