Introduction to my Self-Help
6/10/07
I hope this site is helpful in providing a clear and followable path for you, without the fluffy and preachy 256 (Think and Grow Rich!) to 544 (Awaken the Giant Within) page self help books that really don't seem to say much more.
That said, I recommend any book that you think would work for you. I've read many of them (not most; there are thousands), and often I get a better understanding of things generally.
There is no one path in life, but there are generally trodden areas in the field that you should be familiar with before you start bushwhacking.
Let me know how things go.
“The unexamined life is not worth living.” - Socrates
Introduction: As with most general theories, the basics are simple and applicable. I don't know what you want in life, but this is the skeleton of how you can go about achieving it. We will first outline the general ideas and then review each basic concept individually.
[Photo]
“The unexamined life is not worth living.” - Socrates
Introduction: As with most general theories, the basics are simple and applicable. I don't know what you want in life, but this is the skeleton of how you can go about achieving it. We will first outline the general ideas and then review each basic concept individually.
General Terms
Direction: A direction is not achievable because it is not measurable. It is a statement about what matters to you, and what you'd like to do generally. Most people have no trouble creating directions, but they erroneously call them goals. Examples of common directions include:
· Get into shape
· Be happy
· Get married
· Get rich
· Enjoy my job more
If you could completely accomplish, completely, a direction, then it wasn't a direction to begin with. For example, how can one "get rich?" How much money does one need to be rich? $10,000? $100,000? $1,000,000? Getting rich means different things to different people.
There is a lot of value in directions. Often, directions are general, overarching statements that define very long term beliefs and dreams. There is nothing wrong with "Keep in excellent physical shape." In fact, it's very important. But it ain't a goal.
Goal: A goal is something you want to achieve in the future. The word "goal" has been distorted a bit in the past, so let's be very clear:
Goals MUST:
Be Specific: A goal must be such that it can be achieved.Be Measurable: A goal must be quantitatively assessed.Have a Deadline: A goal must be "failable".
GOALS SHOULD:
Be Written: The affirmation one receives from taking the goal outside of your mind and onto paper (or cyberspace) gives it extra power. Also paper is more accurate than the mind.5Be Believable: People rarely try things they don't think they can do.
GOAL NEED NOT:
Be Challenging: In fact, "easy" goals are best in the beginning.
GOALS MAY:
Be One-time: "Join a gym."Be Recurring: "Go to the gym Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays."
Paul J. Meyer published a book titled "Attitude Is Everything" in which he states that goals should be: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Tangible (SMART). Well that's a great acronym, and many people use this as a definition, so if it helps, that's great. Sometimes good things don't have a great acronym, and if you can find one in my general theory, let me know.
How many goals should one set? Some people like to pick nice round numbers like 100 or 43 for a number of goals. Notice that magazines of a certain quality use quantitative titles like, "15 ways to lose fat", "20 tips to be a better spouse", and "3.14 ways to ask for a raise". I think numbers make it sound more authoritative, but also it gives people something they like in setting goals, which is measurability, as discussed above.
I find all that hokey, and in the end certainly damaging. Suppose you are told to set 100 goals. What if you can only find 90? Do you set 10 goals that aren't really goals? Doing so would damage the respect and seriousness of your 90 goals, and would obviously dilute the time you can dedicate to the real 90. What if you want to set 110? Do you just blow off those 10? And which 10 would you blow off? Some people tell me that the spirit of setting these high numbers of goals is in doing deep soul searching and finding every little goal in one's heart. I applaud that, totally. However, to me it smacks of mania.
Look at it this way: Thomas Jefferson himself only put three accomplishments on his gravestone: Author of the Declaration of Independence, Author of the Statute for Virginia, and Father of the University of Virginia. (Jefferson only wanted his grave to mention that which he did for others, rather than what people had done for him, which is why he didn't mention that he was Vice President and President of the United States.) My advice is to not number your goals, any more than you would number your children or your dollar bills. Avoid putting numbers where they don't belong.
The best goals have five important parts:
EXAMPLE #1 WHY IT'S IMPORTANT
1) Deadline By next Wednesday Creates urgency
2) Entity I Establishes accountability
3) Action will read States key skill
4) Criterion "1984" Sets accomplishment
5) Condition up to Chapter 4. Frames accomplishment
Try to set all your goals in this type of framework. Not only will you understand your goals better, but you'll feel more pride when you acheive them.
Milestones: The Milestone is the marker, just as they were on roads in Roman times. Milestones provide a much-needed assurance that you are not lost, you are on the right track, and that you are moving toward your goal. But beware, although one can "do" a milestone, they are not goals. Instead, they are welcome signs that you are moving toward your goal.
Milestones serve a vital purpose, particularly as your goals become more ambitious. Milestones should be seen as goals that often one pursues parallel paths toward a goal. For example, the goal of running the marathon might include milestones for sprint times and others for the lengths of the long runs. Pursuing, for example, first faster sprints, and then, after achieving that "goal," pursuing long runs would be highly ineffective at achieving the true goal of running the marathon.
Examples of Milestones might include:
· Run a 5km without getting a cramp
· Pass Real Estate Broker test
· Apply to five colleges
· Update resume
Please note that Milestones can look like goals, but they aren't. They are markers on the road to goals, involving in the examples, running marathons, becoming a Real Estate Broker, going to college, or getting a new job.
Tasks: The shift from Milestones to Tasks is the magic....that's where you go from future abstractions to the here-and-now. So often we see goals like "Become a millionaire", which may translate into a Milestone like "get new job", but if it never translates into "create a monthly budget", "invest savings", or "update resume" (each are tasks), then it's a waste of time. Accomplishing a set of tasks is what you must do to get to the next milestone. If a task proves too difficult, or if you are getting discouraged with a task, then it is probably a milestone, and not a task; break it down further.
To summarize the key components of our theory:
A direction is never acheivable. Consider it part of your life's mission statement.A goal is a place. A goal answers the question: What specifically do I want?A milestone is a marker on the road to that place. A milestone answers the question: Am I on the right track?A task is one specific and definable action. A task answers the question: What specifically can I do now?
Optimization is important. I find most people set goals that are far too ambitious, and therefore end up doing nothing. It's like they want to get to the 8th floor, but they refuse to build stairs. I see people all the time set goals like "lose 50 pounds". How can you lose 50 pounds and not lose 5 pounds first? Shouldn't one shoot for the 5? Duh.
What is the right number of tasks to acheive a goal? Using the "8th floor" analogy, suppose that there were only 2 stairs per floor (2 tasks per milestone). Would that prove effective? Well, if floors are 10 feet high, then each step is 5 feet high. Can you vertical jump 5 feet high? No? Then you are still going to fail. Theoretically, there are a certain number of tasks per milestone (and by extension per goal) that allow you to succeed. Any fewer will result in failure. Using the same analogy, what if there were say 40 steps per floor (equating to 3 inches each)? You might start doing more steps at a time (known as "chunking"), which would be fine. The lesson here is to err on the side of creating more tasks that you think necessary. In the graph below, notice that for tasks less than N*, success is impossible. Thus N* represents the minimum number of tasks to achieve the goal.
So now you understand the basic concepts. Now, here are some (mostly obvious) tips to make sure you best able to tackle your goals. My advice is to treat this entire process with care, respect, and even a bit of pomp. This is your life we are talking about, so contemplating it while in line at the bank or while waiting to use the bathroom may reflect poorly POORLY on who you are. I recommend treating this as a ceremony, replete with travelling to places that are personally important, or to places that have deep meditation meaning. Most importantly, try to go with a clean mind. The day after receiving an eviction notice, or being fired, probably isn't time for this type of work. Also, keep the amount of time to a minimum, as I warn you: it is emotionally tiring if you do it right. You will be reminiscient, nostalgic, confused, and ready to blow it off.
Most importantly, make sure you are reevaluating goals that have been achieved. Often, you will find ways to go further down the same path, or make a delightful turn. It is the deepest satisfaction to be in the driver seat of your life.
“The unplanned life is not worth examining.” - Aristotle, Plato's student
This article walks people through soul searching for directions, establishing goals, setting milestones, and finally developing tasks.
I often liken life and goal setting to being in a car. The people in the back seat are not in control of where they're going, and, worse, they don't know where they are going. So they distract themselves, just a children do in a real back seat. Passengers riding shotgun often know where they are going, generally, but don't have control over it. So they watch the road but never really pay much attention (that's why people always say, "I don't pay attention where I'm going unless I'm driving). It is only when people get into the driver's seat that they have true control over their destiny. Plato's Allegory of the Cave, no doubt.
One small task at a time
[Photo] <------------------------Asking "Why?" moves you this wayAsking "How?" moves you this way-------------------------->
Direction..........Goal.............Milestone............. TasksCome home at night Go to 8th floor Go to first floor Climb first stair
The figure above shows how we can frame our movement leftward and rightward. In order to move leftward, to a more general view, ask "Why do I have this goal?" or "What will this task point me toward?". In order to move rightward, to a more specific view, ask "How?"
Also, remember there is nothing virtuous about setting lofty goals (create world peace), and nothing small-minded about setting mundane goals (chaperone kids' party). Believe me, chaperoning a kid's party will do more for world peace that staring out a window contemplating it.
People focus on "Things To Do", but not "Things Done".....it's a mistake because (a) congratulating yourself, if only by recognizing that your accomplished something, is a valuable reward, and (b) often the achieved goal will form a milestone to even larger goals!
Have a Specific Deadline - Should I set a time limit/deadline on my goal? In opinion, a goal only has "bite" if it is failable. Setting goals that can live on in perpetuity doesn't create the immediacy that often helps motivate us. If you are going to France in April, you might set a goal of learning some French by the end of March. But before you put a time limit on a goal, ask yourself if you need to, and if so why? Ideally, your goals will all have a specific deadline because they are interlocked to other often further goals. Putting a time limit on a goal transfers it from something that is achievable to something that is also, gulp, failable. Make sure you're okay with that.
Prioritization:
The magic of getting a lot of things done involves working hard and working smart. There are two important parts to this:
1) Make sure you stay busy. If you have a spare hour, review your tasks and see if one can be done in that timeframe. Never give anyone the power to take you from your goals. Even the MTA: one of my best New Year's resolutions was to always keep a book, or a paper and pencil, with me on the train or bus. Some of my most productive time is on a broken (oops I mean "sick passenger") train during rush hour.
2) Organize goals both by time and task. Sure, running a marathon AND scoring a 2300 on the SATs are both great goals, but probably not for one Saturday morning. However, you may find that goals such as "learn Karate" and "learn Japanese" may be somewhat complimentary.
The main part of prioritization is making sure you're hitting upon all aspects of your life that you think are important. Everyone will be different on this, but for me general areas such as health, family, friends, finance, learning, career, etc. remind me to try to set goals in these areas, and work on them relatively evenly.
Another part of prioritization is within each goal. For example, while there's something wholesome and productive about trying to hit the gym 5 days a week, it won't help mask a cocaine addiction. Start with doable goals, and also the most important ones.
One paradoxical opinion I have regarding prioritization is that I don't believe that one should always do the most important things first. In fact, my most productive days involved doing the easiest things first. The risk of course is that one spends so much time doing the less important, easy things that one never gets to the important stuff. However, my experience is that time is NOT the chief limiting factor to a person's success, but rather the emotional baggage they bring.
The concept of fit is simple yet profound. Essentially, fit is "the congruence of the requirements of a task (location, financial investment, time, etc.) with the available resources at the time."
Often people are constrained by externally controlled schedules, locations, etc., and "fit" allows us to maximize our productivity given those constraints. For example, if one encounters a gap of 15 minutes in their schedule, it is typically more efficient to complete a task that would require 15 minutes, than to complete a task that can be done in 5 minutes, or to start a task that would take 4 weeks. This concept also applies to time of the day: free time at 7am is probably less usefully applied to the goal of learning the drums, and more productively a time to read a book. Lastly, fit can be applied to location: free time at home would be used differently from free time at work, in town, etc.
Your "Do Now" is to take your to-do list, and consider what times of the day, and days of the week, would be most appropriate for their execution. Warning: if done correctly, you'll find you have tons of left-over time.
Change: Metamorphosis is, of course, the sudden change of form of a creature. The abrupt change is totally disruptive to the previous form, as it's quite hard to see the butterfly in the caterpillar.
Outside of the biological sphere, other terms describe similarly non-linear change. "Paradigm shifts" describe changes in the way we perceive something. It is the perceptional analog to metamorphosis. Man's Weltanschauung changes constantly through changes in paradigm, but also changes of paradigm.
Industries do the same thing. Joseph Schumpeter, the Austrian and Harvard economist, used the term "creative destruction" to describe how entrepreneurs disrupt and eventually destroy established product markets through the innovation of better products and services.
Personal change requires a similar term. Change can be linear for only so long; at some point, we must change, often totally, our beliefs, tactics, systems, and modes of execution to create such future growth.
A concrete example of how improvement and growth require a metamorphosis is in driving. Barring cost, environmental concerns, and legal considerations, the best way to achieve a speed of say 40 mph is in an Abrams tank. Very few things are going to stop 135,000 pounds going 40 mph. (Of course, the Abrams gets worse than 2 gallons to the mile, so that'll be an issue).
But suppose you wish to improve your speed, to say 70 mph. Alas, the $4 million Abrams is worthless. There's no reasonable way to get one up to that speed. What got you to 40mph can't get you to 70 mph. So, you may need to 'morph' the tank into a Hummer HMMWV (which incidendally get a far better 4 mpg). Again, however, one would need a different vehicle if one wanted to go say 1000 mph. In that case, you might need a F/A 18E Super Hornet.
The important point of this tortured analogy is that, the Abrams can't do 1000 mph, and the Super Hornet can't do 40 mph. What you needed at first, you can't use forever, and what you'll ultimately need later won't work at first.
Getting back to PD, remember that to get linear improvement, sometimes you need to create non-linear transformation. So, if you're at the "sticky 7", your next step might be to throw out what got you there. Spend some time building the systems you'll need to get to 8, which of course you'll tear down to get to the 9.
In the sport of Archery, the distance from the bull's eye to where your arrow hit is called the sin. Thereafter, the definition of sin expanded to be used to describe wrongs of a religious type. This article is about missing your targets.
Inevitably, you will miss a task, not hit a milestone, or perhaps even quit the goal. Perhaps even the direction is being questioned. Here's what you can do.
When you come upon a missed goal, or a missed deadline, resist all impulse to turn incident into drama. Unless you set a vocationally-based goal and are an airline pilot or surgeon, keep everything in perspective. Obviously, the first thought should be, "do I get a retry?" The second and more painful question should be, "what went wrong?", not in the spirit of "blamestorming", but rather to review your process. Be honest with your evaluation, if even only to yourself. Then get back up and Gambatte (keep going in Japanese)!
An important question I ask myself is: "Does my lifestyle make the goal easy, if not inevitable, or difficult, or postponable?" Was I my own enemy? If so, how? What other things could I have done to make it easier? It is a tragedy that people ignore their weakness (success has many fathers, and failure is an orphan); I believe weaknesses are where you can learn most about yourself. Don't confuse activity with accomplishment, or change with progress.
TALKERS AND DOERS
"Speak softly and carry a big stick."- Theodore Roosevelt
The desire of the slothful killeth him; for his hands refuse to labour (Prov. 21:25).
Edmund Burke said, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
In the spirit of 'putting up or shutting up', I’m going to summarize what I’ve accomplished thus far.
By omission, you’ll see what I haven’t done. There may be gaping holes in my life that you see, and perhaps I don’t see. (Please let me know!) By inclusion, you’ll see what I’ve done, and my accomplishments may be in a particular area, or they may be random, or they may be low-level, or they may be useless.
Obviously, I’m not going to include every little thing, like every book I’ve read, or obvious goals (graduate from High School, when I’ve gone to college)
Education: After graduating from a community college with a 4.0 GPA, I graduate from an Ivy League university, paying for it on my own. This is after being a solid C- student in Junior High and High School.
Physical: I have benched 435 pounds, deadlifted 585 pounds, and squatted (my worst) 440 pounds. I’ve been as low as 5.8% bodyfat. I have ridden a century (100 miles on a bicycle), and have run 4 NYC Marathons.
Asceticism: I have not drunk alcohol or coffee, or owned a TV, in 20 years. I also don’t drink soda, eat candy, add sugar, or smoke cigarettes. I take cold showers only, am a vegetarian, and do not take even legal medicine. I do not own a car.
Environment: I use less than 170 KwH of electricity per month, which is less than 19% as much as the average American household (888 KwH). All of my electrical energy comes from Wind Power. I am Kyoto Protocol complaint (i.e., I use the amount of energy required had the US entered into that agreement).
Career: I have worked as a dishwasher, a car wash attendant, a gas station attendant, a grocer, personal trainer, park ranger, truck driver, pipefitter, investment banker, teacher, and Executive Director of a school. I am also the Founder of a very large Classical Guitar Society, and was its President for 4 years.
Financial: My credit score is 790. My net worth is over $350,000 and have no debts.
Down Time: I’ve read 6 of the Top 100 Best Novels. I’ve also read the Bible and the Bhagavad Gita. I create about one new painting a month. I am CPR, AED, and First Aid Certified. I also sponsor an Albanian girl, and have I’ve traveled to Germany, Thailand, and Japan. I know a little Japanese.
Daily: On a daily (or sufficiently regular) basis I stretch, lift, run, do martial arts, drink loads of water, practice the guitar, wake without an alarm clock, take a vitamin.
Now, how does one change? Is change inevitable? Does change happen slowly, like in evolution, or quickly like in revolution? Change of any sort seems to come in two different ways, at least when examined from a distance. The first way could be called “evolutionary”. Evolution, to this non-scientist, is the process by which little changes eventually create large changes. Think Grand Canyon, or the Japanese approach to product development. This is the process of going from a 4 to a 4.1 to a 4.2 to a 4.3 to a … to a 9. The second way, “Revolution”, is in theory an immediate leap to a better place. It is going from a 4 to a 9 with no intermediary steps. Think 1917 Russia, quantum mechanics, the Internet, or Black Sabbath’s first album.
Much like the Chinese concept of Yin/Yang, or the Japanese In/Yo, there’s a little revolution in all evolution, and there’s certainly a little evolution in every revolution. The difference is one of perspective and distance. But generally, we can say that some changes occur much, much faster than others. Over the course of mankind, it’s pretty obvious (to me) that we are in a perpetual state of revolution, at least in comparison to our first couple hundred thousand years. Or is it that we remain in a perpetual state of accelerated evolution?
The evolution/revolution dichotomy is really crucial to any type of planning, whether it’s personal or professional. When comparing (and contrasting) two different things, people inevitably consider “which is better?” or “which one am I?” There are obviously benefits and costs to both, depending on the desired change. When you are thinking about your goals, consider how much evolution and revolution would be optimal.
One of the best ways to assess your plans for a desired change is to ask “is the ultimate goal dividable?” What I mean by this relates to the trek from where you are at, to where you want to go. For example, if your goal is to go to Japan, getting to China is certainly a good start, but still not there yet. Saving the money for the plane is also a way to get closer to achieving the goal.
The evolution/revolution distinction is vital to planning and goal setting, but if there’s one tool every self-improver leans on, it’s the rugged To Do list. Like the fork, screwdriver, and fork, the To Do list is timeless in its simplicity and its importance. So much has been written about the To Do list, most famously in David Allen’s Getting Things Done, but I’ll limit my comment to: all the entries on To Do lists are extremely important, including those crossed-out.
Most people adopt a ‘roll over’ approach to To Do lists: they take the unaccomplished entries from the previous day’s To Do list, write them again, and add some more for the new day. The accomplished goals are lost. I think one misses a lot by only focusing on the goals To Do, and not the goals you Have Done.
There’s a negative bias to only having To Do lists. The list itself can create all kinds of procrastination anxieties. There’s no balance. One can’t see the accomplishments of one’s past.
It’s a supreme waste to simply abandon those tasks you have accomplished, when in fact your accomplished tasks live on far more palpably that your unaccomplished goals, which sit idly on paper. Therefore, I highly recommend you create a “Have Done” list. You can obviously think back and list all the goals that you’ve completed over your life, or over the past day; the level of detail is up to you.
There are a number of sites where you can create and update To Do lists, and also Have Done lists. I highly recommend them. The most popular is probably 43things.com but there are others.
Mind mapping is anothoer wonderful way to do two things: (a) memorialize your conceptual understanding of a topic, and (b) communicate your understanding of a topic. Mind mapping is firstly a visual tool, just like its more commonly-known namesake. Studies do find that creating a mental image is important in creating memory. Therefore, make your mind maps colorful (in some personally-meaningful and logical way) and imaginative. You will get only as much out of them as you’ve put in to them.
Tony Buzan is one of the pioneers in the development of mind maps. In his book "The Mind Map Book", Buzan recommends the following:
1. Start in the center with an image of the topic, using at least 3 colors.
2. Use images, symbols, codes, and dimensions throughout your Mind Map.
3. Select key words and print using upper or lower case letters.
4. Each word/image must be alone and sitting on its own line.
5. The lines must be connected, starting from the central image. The central lines are thicker, organic and flowing, becoming thinner as they radiate out from the centre.
6. Make the lines the same length as the word/image.
7. Use colors – your own code – throughout the Mind Map.
8. Develop your own personal style of Mind Mapping.
9. Use emphasis and show associations in your Mind Map.
10. Keep the Mind Map clear by using radial hierarchy, numerical order or outlines to embrace your branches.
There are limits to mind map, and they relate directly to their advantages. Most importantly, mind maps are non-linear. However, many things in life are generally linear, like time and many types of knowledge (e.g., counting, then adding, then multiplying, etc). Therefore, make sure your mind maps reflect any linearity inherent in the subject.
Another related disadvantage is the fact that we simply aren’t used to seeing information in mind map form. We spend years writing and reading outlines, to do lists, and agendas. Therefore, mind maps are simply disconcerting to look at. However, over time they will actually make more intuitive sense than the outlines, etc. that they seek to replace.
So, at first start with paper and pencil, as mind maps get messy fast. The main subject is in the middle, and related topics and components radiating outward.
I am going to mind map my concept of self and by extension the aspects of like I seek to improve.
Most difficult in doing such a map is that the graphics in these (free) online programs is usually pretty weak. Lacking colors, curved lines, and general graphics makes it far weaker than it could be. I highly recommend doing such a mind map with old-fashioned colored pencils, crayons, and paper.
Now I'd like to discuss 'walking the line' between self-satisfaction and humility. Leaning too far in either direction is unhealthy and will create increasingly large problems for you as you grow.
At work I see this all the time. I'll be sitting in my office, and someone will come in to say how great the things are, how happy the staff are, etc., etc. So I have to acknowledge the successes, and yet underscore the need to more improvement, and that there is no real "end" in this job, and that we are not done.
Three minutes after they leave, someone else will come in to say how poorly things are going. Morale is down, sales are low, competition is high, or whatever. So then I go into cheerleader mode, and describe all the victories we've had that month.
In a learning environment, ego often makes both the teacher and student less teachable.
EGO
"Ego" just means "I" in Greek and Latin. However, obviously its meaning has evolved over time, just like "mensa" only means table in Latin. (Actually Freud never used the term Ego, but rather the German, Ich.)
Freud obviously changed all that with his theories on psycho-analysis. He basically divided the psyche into three parts: ego, super ego, and id. The ego is part of the conscious that deals with reality. (The id is unconcious and is where primal drives derive; super ego is where moral judgments occur.)
The Ego has a tough job, basically becoming the angel on one shoulder, and the devil on the other. :-) Seriously, though, the ego balances the drives of the id, and the morals "shoulds" of the superego. So, when I see a hot girl walking down the street, my Id is saying one thing, my Superego quite another. My Ego tries to figure out what to do.
So, what happens if the Ego gets really confused? Then Freud says that defensive mechanisms kick in. For example, suppose I believe that I am not manly, and want to be manly. I compensate by buying a big fast car. Or maybe I just sublimate the issue and study hard in school so I can make a lot of money. Heck, I might even use humor to defend against my fears.
There are many defensive mechanisms, but I think the ones that are most relevants to us are denial and projection. Denial is just avoiding the problem, and projection is finding fault with others to make me feel better.
So what, at base, makes people successful?
The other night I was having a conversation with a few friends about whether IQ, hard work, or opportunity had a larger impact on a person's success. All parties involved seems to think that IQ, on the margin, was not necessary to acheive success. This may be a view peculiar to Americans, who culturally value intelligence less than most of the rest of the world. Most successful Americans (for example, picking one from each century, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, and Bill Gates) are far more famous for their work ethic than their raw intelligence.
A disagreement did surface, however, from choosing between hard work and opportunity.
I contend that work is the engine of self-improvement and opportunities don't present themselves at all; one must work to create one's opportunities. The harder one works, the more opportunities surface. Furthermore, an opportunity can't exist unless one has the eyes to see it, and these eyes would require work to develop. Lastly, one can control how hard one works, but not what opportunities surface; therefore, hard work is more under one's control. (This is all a gross oversimplification, but I believe is valid as a first-order approximation.)
The argument taken by my friends was that one needs opportunity to demonstrate and benefit from hard work. Using an example, how can you be a hard worker if you can't get a job? Another aspect of their argument was the limited benefit of hard work. If a bus boy at a restaurant works very, very hard, he will (probably) not become President of the United States, or even owner of the restaurant.
While I can see their argument about the importance of opportunity, I still believe that hard work is the more important. In fact, the worldview that 'life happens to me' is probably the most damaging on could imagine. The value of experience is only redeemed upon using that experience, whether good or bad, in the future.
Of all life's precious gifts, perhaps none is more precious than our property of uniqueness. Each of us is not exactly like another. Even ignoring our physical differences, we have different experiences, and more importantly we attach very different meanings to those experiences. One person's tragedy is another's turning point; one man's confirmation of previous beliefs may set another into cataclysmic paradigm shift.
My experience is that it is not what happens in one's life that creates meaning, but it is the meaning we attach to our experieneces and perspectives (and unique physical traits) that defines us. Great people do not suffer less, are not better endowed, and are not immune to abject and total failure. They do, however, find immanent and spiritual benefit from the suffering, make better use of their endowments, and learn from their mistakes and failures.
You ought to notice, as you age, that we are all suffering. It is a Noble Truth, a fundamental principle of Buddhism. Great people, once they get to know you, will tell you gruesome, depressing, and dire stories of their past, by their own hand or not, just as the non-greats will. We all suffer.
The difference is in the second half of their stories. Great people manage to find the nugget of truth or wisdom that helps them succeed, that insulates them from further suffering. They have a detective's knack at turning life's lemons into lemonade.
When you review your life, there are painful aspects that you will, conciously or not, avoid, even to yourself. I am truly sorry that you have suffered. However, I encourage you to look at those aspects differently, with an analysis that seeks to find what opportunities, unique to you, you have on account of your hardships.
Now that we accept responsibility not for what happens to us, but certainly for how we use what happens to us, let's discuss the more upbeat concept of a Perfect Day.
Everyone has days that we remember forever. Usually it's because of an event at the time that arrests our memories, but there are usually days that we remember not for any one reason, but because of the day in total. Often I think back of times where I was simply in the Flow of the day, and had highly productive days.
One idea I've toyed around is creating a schedule of a Perfect Day (creating a Perfect Week might prove too difficult, at least at first). I've considered it, and even started one, but found it far too difficult. Therefore, I've decided to give up on creating the Perfect Day, and instead wish to create the Pretty Damn Good Day (the "PDGD").
My PDGD certainly starts early. Getting up early makes me happy for many reasons that I can discuss in another article.
My PDGD also would be healthy and efficient. Ideally, throughout the day I would eat healthily and yet not take much time to eat. So, perhaps I'd eat on the run.
My PDGD would have purpose and focus. Creating to To Do list, the Windows 95 of Personal Development, would not only suffice, but would be easy enough to amend on the run. Also, there would be little down time, but rather moving from thing to thing, from errand to errand.
It would be a day whose productivity sneaks up on you and makes you feel good, like coming home to a clean house after you've forgotten about having cleaned it. It's a pleasant surprise more than a Saturday night bash.
My guess is that my PDGD would include: roughly 6 hours of sleep; a workout, run and stretching; a martial arts class; productive time with my daughter; a cleaner house; a run of errands; a more organized computer, inbox, voicemail; some guitar practice, at least an hour of reading; and possibly an hour of writing.
I haven't yet assigned lengths of time, or times, to these, but eventually I will think about what a PDGD is for me, so that I can finally get the nostalgia from remembering all those wonderful, life-changing days I've been lucky enough to experience.
Do you have days in your past that you look to more fondly than others? Have you had super-productive days where you are constantly, yet effortlessly, productive? Where your To Do list, seemingly impossible in the morning, turns into merely a starting point by the afternoon? Where you collapse into bed, having difficulty remembering all the tasks accomplished, project moved forward, call made, and people served?
Those types of days are forever etched in my psyche. I recall these “Perfect Days” with such strong nostalgia and longing. (Although such days are not technically Perfect, after having lived 14,000 days I can say they are close enough jazz. For our purposes, Perfect means “among the best of your life.”)
The most poignant memory of such Perfect Days, for me, is the sheer quantity of things done. It was like every little task hanging over my head vanished. Things were clean, read, paid, used, organized, and simply done. The List got smaller, and those items that didn’t get crossed off, got closer to it.
One of the hardest things for me to do has been to divorce the magic of youth, gone forever, and the Perfect Day Feeling. What if my memory confuses the two? What if I’m confusing the two, and in fact one can never feel the PDF again? I truly don’t have an answer to that. Anyway…
If you could construct a Perfect Day, what would it look like? What time would you wake up? Would you make a To Do list in the morning, or at all? What would you do first? What would be done by breakfast? By lunch? Would your work finish at any specific time, or would you work ‘til you drop? Would it be a weekend, or weekday? Would you assume that you’d work that day?
Most people have a lot of trouble planning a Perfect Day. My suggestion is to start with the Perfect Hour. It's much harder than you think. But it's worth it.
One may notice the variety of things I'd do on a Perfect Day. This relates to the important concept of a well-rounded individual, sometimes known as the Renaissance Man. The concept of the Renaissance Man, otherwise known as a Polymath, Universal Man, Uomo Universale, is a refreshingly direct and powerful one for people who wish to become more well-rounded, or expert in a variety of areas. Simply put, a Renaissance Man is someone who excels in various, usually unrelated, areas. Think Aristotle, Da Vinci, Franklin, Goethe.
The need for Renaissance Men is pulled by two opposing forces. Increased specialization makes it much more difficult to excel (or be proficient) in one field, much less two or more. However, there is a need for interdisciplinary folks who can take the wisdom and knowledge of one field and apply them to other disparate fields of study.
Typically, the Renaissance Man excels in arts, sciences, and physical activities. In Western history, the first person to be attributed such a title is Leon Battista Alberti (1404-1472), who was an author, poet, architect, and artist. However, there were many Renaissance Men before him, including Aristotle.
I see the Renaissance Man as someone who:
Physical: is proficient at athletic activities; can defend oneself, family and country; is in excellent health.
Artistic: creates poetry, music, and literature; unique life’s path; speak at least one other language; excellent vocabulary.
Scientific: understands and contributes to the sciences.
Knowledge: is studied in and can discuss philosophy, wisdom, and other cultures; has experienced the great works (books, works of art, music) of all time; intense curiosity; often understand the causes of things.
I will further outline my views on what a Renaissance Man should be able to do in another article.
Probably the first book written on the concept of becoming a Renaissance Man is by Baldassare Castiglione. His book, The Book of the Courtier, was written in 1561, but it very relevant today. It’s certainly not politically correct, and adapting it to modern life might require some work, but it’s nearly spot-on, and is well-worth reading for those interested in achieving Renaissance Man status. It is available on Google Books.
Let's go back even further: Almost certainly the oldest surviving conduct book, The Instruction of Ptahhotep was written around 2350BC by an aging, high-ranking government official named Ptahhotep in Ancient Egypt to his son. (There are still relatively original copies of this work (in the Biblioteque Nationale in Paris and in the British Museum, which is famous for its Egyptology). Most of the book is available on the Internet, in both English and Hieroglyphic form.
Perhaps the most fascinating aspect of the book (related to the fact that it’s 4,300 years old) is the timelessness and thus relevance today. Humility, peacefulness, service, truthfulness (avoidance of gossip), justice (even against your offspring), and listening skills are the major themes in the book.
Ancient Egypt, as a civilization, existed longer than the time period from its end until the present day. In other words, for the period of known history, Ancient Egypt constitutes a majority. But it’s hard to imagine where the human species was 4,300 years ago during this time period. We are talking pre-America, pre-Columbus, pre-Europe, pre-Roman, and pre-Greek. Ancient Egypt is a strange civilization because it seems so timeless.
The Instruction of Ptahhotep, for me, casts major and warranted doubt on the moral relativism of today. The clash of cultures that we currently are seeing, due primarily to immigration and incredible advances in transportation technology, does not mean that “anything goes”. Wisdom does collect over time, organically, within a culture, and to discard that wisdom is dangerous. Even after 4,300 years, The Instruction of Ptahhotep is as current as ever.
During my adolescence, I spent time planning my trek through life. This process was not always conscious; in fact, I think that nearly everyone at that age begins to plan out their life’s travels. Part of the process involves finding people who have gone before you (the very definition of the Japanese term sensei) who will serve as guiding stars to help direct us through life.
Over time, one can accumulate these stars and form a constellation; that is; a group of people whose lives serve as wisdom for us at a time where wisdom is scarce.
When I think of those men who formed my constellation, I see that it’s quite a diverse group, and is based primarily on availability at the time.
My first was certainly my own father, which is probably common for people. My father had a strong work ethic, and I am sure that I get my restless ambition from him. Second was probably Arnold Schwarzenegger. I was given his autobiography when I was 14 and read it with great excitement, based on my own interest in weight lifting. Arnold too had a strong work ethic. Another star provided the soundtrack of my life. Jimmy Page, the guitarist of Led Zeppelin fame, created a diverse palette of moods that I could experiment with. Although I hadn’t known much about Mr. Page’s personal life (he is a private person), his music taught me much. I picked up the guitar to learn to play like him.
I was fortunate to have worked many jobs between ages 13 and 20, and those jobs provided many older men who also because stars of various brightness that guide me.
In retrospect, I can see that all of them were hard workers.
Thus my concept of manhood was less a form of fashion or genetics, but more a focus on providing for, building, and achieving. I am proud of have dedicated, for the last 20 year thus far, to travelling through time using these men as guides.
In conclusion, if there were ever a book I would like to write, it would be about an emotion, as yet satisfactorily named to me. It is an emotion of intense appreciation for a moment of time, based on total loss of self through total cosmic defeat. It is intensely joyful, and yet requires a level of courage that I certainly don’t have. It is the present value, the limit in differential calculus, of all future joys. It is the renunciation of the future.
Do you appreciate life? Can you separate the material sources of your joy and appreciation from life itself? Can you imagine what you would feel it you lst everything you owned? Everything in your future? Your future itself?
What if you lived in shame? You were defeated in the game of life due to no fault of your own? Have you been the poorest on your block? Worn the worst clothes? Was your family cast asunder on the social ladder?
If not, then you may not know for certain that you appreciate your life itself, rather than the joys you look forward to, the respect you command or buy, or the mere circumstance of your birth.
To live life in the present, the books say, is an admonishment to appreciate life. But it typically involves and asks for the loss of the past, a resetting of one’s habits of expectations and routines. It fails, however, at asking something far more difficult: to lose one’s future. To lose one’s future, for real, would represent a major tragedy: death, or perhaps said more optimistically, a quick start to the Afterlife, if applicable.
However, for that one moment, if you could live that one moment, it would be infinitely joyful, because there would be nothing else. Your true appreciation would be infinite. “Knowing that one will be executed at dawn wonderfully concentrates the mind” relates a similar idea.
Rather than really losing one’s future, we could instead meditate on the concept and eventually allow such a concept to seep into one’s daily routines and outlook generally. For example, most people commute to work in a rushed, pained, and generally unhappy state. One’s commute could be a time of extreme appreciation for where one is going, and eventually with enough training, appreciation for the commute itself.
Another level of emotion is the renunciation of one’s gifts. Does your ego cling to your intelligence? Would you appreciate life still if you were dumber? Compared to life itself, one’s IQ isn’t terribly important? What about your physical health? Would you still love life if you had a limp, cancer, or another physical issue? How does your ego deal with the daily risk of losing one’s physical health, which is in fact inevitable?
The ultimate goal with these exercises is not to die soon, be dumber, or harm your body. Instead the goal is the true appreciate for life itself. Anything you have above and beyond simply life is not to be taken for granted, but neither should your existence at present.